What Does Recovery Mean to Me?

When I was sick I was always suffering from something. I used to go back and forth between positive and negative symptoms.

I used to suffer from both visual and auditory hallucinations. I used to hear voices telling me to kill myself. I used to see transparent animals move around and change shapes on the ceiling.

I spent all my time just pacing the floor, smoking, and drinking coffee. I never sat down any longer than five minutes and I never hardly sat down at all. The reason for this was the side effects of my medication.

There were also times when I abused drugs and alcohol. I was stoned and drunk from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. As a result of this my hallucinations were more severe than they were when I wasn't using.

I also used to suffer from delusions. I thought that God and Satan were living inside me battling for control of my mind. Either to do good or to do evil. I also thought that I was possessed by a legion of demons. There were times that I believed that I had to die because I was an evil and wicked person. As a result of this I was suicidal and did attempt suicide here and there.

As a result of negative symptoms I didn't do much concerning activities. I only got a shower every two or three weeks. When I tried to read I didn't even last five minutes and I couldn't remember one word that I read.

I wasn't able to cook any meals. When I attempted to do housework I had to stop after five minutes. When Dad wanted me to take wood in I didn't last any longer than five minutes for this activity either. I couldn't even concentrate to watch movies. When I was able to watch a movie I had to pace the floor back and forth while I watched it. I just couldn't sit still.

I was also paranoid quite often. I used to think that people were talking about me. I could hear their thoughts and words inside my mind. Their thoughts used to tell me disturbing things. I also thought that they could read my thoughts thus knowing all my evil secrets I kept in my mind.

Many times when I went out into public like to a restaurant to have coffee I couldn't stay. I had to leave because of my paranoia. Because of this I didn't go out much and just stayed home. But I did have a couple of friends that used to visit me at home. I also used to visit them too. The only people I had contact with was my family, and the few friends that I had.

So: What does recovery mean to me? Overcoming all of these experiences. There is no cure for schizophrenia but recovery is still truly possible. I am presently recovering from both my schizophrenia and my addiction problem.

How am I recovering? First of all my positive symptoms are under control as a result of my medication. I no longer suffer from both visual and auditory hallucinations. I no longer suffer from delusions that defy reason.

I also no longer suffer from negative symptoms. My wife and I cook meals together. We do laundry together. We do housework together. I spend many hours writing for my blogs and the schizophrenia newsletter that I have started. I worked full time at a Candle Factory for five years. At the present moment I have been laid off from that job for a year now. But I still work when given the opportunity. I also spend a fair amount of time reading. I can now concentrate to read for long periods of time. I no longer have to pace the floor. I can sit and relax for long periods of time. I also have a real good social life. I go out to different get together's to socialize with others. I have many friends in my life. I also have a wonderful relationship with my wife. We love each other more than words can describe. She is my companion and my best friend in this world. When I was sick I wasn't able to maintain an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. As a result I didn't have that many girlfriends in my life. I was very lonely because of this. But I am not lonely now because I have my wife.

This is what recovery means to me. I hope that my story gives you faith, hope, and courage not to give up and continue to seek recovery from whatever mental illness and/or addiction that you may have.