Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the Quest For Truth

A person might not realize it but a persons religious or philosophical beliefs are very important aspect of a persons life experience.  Whether you are a consumer or not a consumer your beliefs are the very core of your whole being.  Everyone lives according to their belief system.  Every thought or action you have in life is a direct result of what you believe.  Even if you are not conscious of your beliefs they still dictate how you live your life.

Personally I have been on a conscious quest for truth since I have been around 17 years old.  At that age I embraced fundamentalist Christianity.  I got involved in the Church.  I used to preach the Gospel at Sunday night services, pray at public bible readings, taught the Children at the Children's Gospel Hour, and I taught Sunday School as well.  I stayed in the Church for three or four years then I gradually drifted away from it.

After I left the Church then I started reading and investigating other religions and philosophies.  I did research on other Christian sects within Christianity.  I took an interest in Eastern Religions and Philosophies such as Buddhism  Hinduism, Taoism, and various forms of meditation.

I looked into various philosophies.  Atheism, Agnosticism, Theism, Deism, Pantheism, rationalism, empiricism, existentialism, pragmatism, the philosophy of religion and many other types of philosophy.

For the last year or so I have been investigating the paranormal and the supernatural.  Ghost's, spirits, demons, angels, hauntings, and ghost hunting.

I have also done a lot of research on science and evolution.  Most evolutionary scientists are atheists.  They believe in the scientific method and that there is no external evidence to prove the existence of God, the supernatural, or the paranormal.

So, here you have it.  All these different positions out there and it makes a person wonder which position is right and correct.  Is it truly possible to know true knowledge whether religious, philosophical, or scientific?  An extreme position of scepticism believes that true knowledge cannot be obtained.  It is totally impossible to know what the truth actually is, which I do not agree with.

I would like to share with my readers the only thing I have accomplished by researching all these different religious, philosophical, and other types of beliefs is: just, pure, plain, confusion.  I have no clue as to what position I should embrace.  I have had people tell me that the reason I am confused is because I have studied all these different belief systems.  If I have only studied one and just stuck with that one system I wouldn't be so confused today.

I have a deep burning passion within my whole being to seek out the truth, find it, believe it, and live my life by it.  The problem is, I don't know how to figure out what that is.  I believe I know the reason why.  My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is preventing me from doing this.  Because of my OCD I cannot make a decision and stick to my decision to the end.  Like I said in my last blog entry I just go round and round in circles. The only way I can figure all this out is by getting the victory over my OCD and just do it.  That is not an easy task but I am determined to beat this thing called OCD and get these things all figured out and get on with my life.  What I have shared with you, my readers, is just another aspect of my OCD and how it affects my life.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

It's been a while since I have written something for my blog.  My OCD has been getting the best of me lately.  In fact I feel it has been getting worse instead of better.  Even though I have been having problems I am still successfully holding down my three jobs.  I am still successfully carrying out my relationship with my wife.  We celebrated our 11th. anniversary in September.  

Concerning my OCD I am just going around in circles.  I am only able to focus on one thing at a time.  I will decide to do something and spend a lot of time doing it but two or three weeks later I will stop doing it and decide to do something else and go through the same process again.  I have trouble making decisions and when I do make one I am not able to carry it through to the end.  I am just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  It is very frustrating.  

I believe that we create our own destiny.  We decide on what our destiny is, draw up a plan how to carry it out, and then work on that plan for the rest of our lives.  I believe that we will never arrive per se but we can fulfil the destiny we decide we want it to be.  I am not able to do this because of my OCD.  I want so badly to make a decision on my destiny, draw up my plan, and successfully carry it out.  My psychiatrist told me the decision itself isn't important but what's important is to successfully carry out my decision to the end.  For me, that's next to impossible.  My doctor believes it is though with a lot of hard work on my part.

I also experience other symptoms as well that don't help matters any but the one I have been talking about is the one that bothers me the most.  I just wish I could make up my mind and just do it (don't think about it, don't talk about it, just do it.)  Actions speak louder than words.  I am getting tired of just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  I was watching a movie once about Alexander the Great.  In the movie Alexander made a statement which was, "when it's all over all that matters is what you have done."  I would like to leave a legacy behind me when I leave this world.

I just wanted to share this with my readers just to give a glimpse of what it is like to experience OCD.  It is a very frustrating illness to live with.  Concerning my schizophrenia, it is in complete remission but my OCD is not.  I battle symptom after symptom every single day. I experience many symptoms every day. My wife is a big help for me as far as getting through it.  Without her I would be like a little lost sheep in the wilderness, aimlessly wandering around.

Despite all of this I am still holding up strong.  I am determined that some day I will beat this thing and be successful at the things I want to accomplish in life outside my marriage and my work.  I will decide on my destiny, draw up my plan, and fulfil my destiny and leave behind me a legacy when I am gone.