Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

It's been a while since I have written something for my blog.  My OCD has been getting the best of me lately.  In fact I feel it has been getting worse instead of better.  Even though I have been having problems I am still successfully holding down my three jobs.  I am still successfully carrying out my relationship with my wife.  We celebrated our 11th. anniversary in September.  

Concerning my OCD I am just going around in circles.  I am only able to focus on one thing at a time.  I will decide to do something and spend a lot of time doing it but two or three weeks later I will stop doing it and decide to do something else and go through the same process again.  I have trouble making decisions and when I do make one I am not able to carry it through to the end.  I am just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  It is very frustrating.  

I believe that we create our own destiny.  We decide on what our destiny is, draw up a plan how to carry it out, and then work on that plan for the rest of our lives.  I believe that we will never arrive per se but we can fulfil the destiny we decide we want it to be.  I am not able to do this because of my OCD.  I want so badly to make a decision on my destiny, draw up my plan, and successfully carry it out.  My psychiatrist told me the decision itself isn't important but what's important is to successfully carry out my decision to the end.  For me, that's next to impossible.  My doctor believes it is though with a lot of hard work on my part.

I also experience other symptoms as well that don't help matters any but the one I have been talking about is the one that bothers me the most.  I just wish I could make up my mind and just do it (don't think about it, don't talk about it, just do it.)  Actions speak louder than words.  I am getting tired of just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  I was watching a movie once about Alexander the Great.  In the movie Alexander made a statement which was, "when it's all over all that matters is what you have done."  I would like to leave a legacy behind me when I leave this world.

I just wanted to share this with my readers just to give a glimpse of what it is like to experience OCD.  It is a very frustrating illness to live with.  Concerning my schizophrenia, it is in complete remission but my OCD is not.  I battle symptom after symptom every single day. I experience many symptoms every day. My wife is a big help for me as far as getting through it.  Without her I would be like a little lost sheep in the wilderness, aimlessly wandering around.

Despite all of this I am still holding up strong.  I am determined that some day I will beat this thing and be successful at the things I want to accomplish in life outside my marriage and my work.  I will decide on my destiny, draw up my plan, and fulfil my destiny and leave behind me a legacy when I am gone.