Recovery is an ongoing process. We never arrive. We continue recovering until we leave this world. As a result of my mental illness I suffered many losses. I lost 20 to 25 years of my life. I did absolutely nothing.
All I did was pace the floor, drink coffee after coffee, and smoked cigarette after cigarette. I wasn't able to work, do much reading, or anything that required concentration. I lost the opportunity to get a higher education, work in the field of my study, and have a real career (not just a job). I felt all alone even though there were others around me. I lived in my own little world.
Around Christmas time in 1999 I had to go to detox. I was released just before Christmas. I went through the motions of Christmas. By the time February rolled by I had enough. I couldn't cope with my illness and addiction any more. I made the decision I was going to end my life and this time I was going to succeed. For some reason I called up my nurse and told her. She said, "well, you could give up and kill yourself or you could do something about it". I thought about what she said for three days. I decided I wasn't going to give up and kill myself but I was going to do something about it. I didn't know what or how. After I made my decision my nurse called me up and told me about the Beacon Program. I was there in a week. It was located at the Rehab in Waterville. There is where I learned the what and how. While there Dr. Mulhal put me on medication that actually worked. I also received psycho-social treatment while I was there.
I am presently living in recovery. I have a real good support network to help me. My wife, family, friends, and mental health workers. When things are bothering me I have lots of people to talk to to get me in the right frame of mind. If I need to vent there are lots of people to vent out with. If I am having problems there are lots of people to point me in the right direction and help me out. My support network is an important part of my recovery journey.
The most important thing in my recovery is my wife. We are having a great relationship. Having an intimate relationship really helps with my recovery. I can share things with her I can't share with anyone else. She loves me and stands behind me in every decision I make in my life. If I have made the wrong decision she shares it with me and reasons with me to change my mind.
Another part of my recovery is the ability to concentrate on my research and writing. This activity is very important to me. I love the very act of research and writing. I get great pleasure from these activities. Doing these things gives me much meaning and purpose in life.
My work is also important. I am still writing for the CMHA newsletter and the Schizophrenia Society newsletter. I am not collating right now because I haven't recovered enough from my guillian barre syndrome yet. My legs are not strong enough yet and my hands are still numb and wouldn't be able to pick up the flyers. I am not able to drive the car until at least June. I do my exercises the physio therapist gave me to do. This helps strengthen my legs, arms, and hands.
I also believe that having the right attitude helps with one's recovery. I am where I am right now because of shear determination, motivation, and real hard work. I didn't get where I am by being lazy, and unmotivated. I have a real positive attitude towards life. I look at the half full glass instead of the half empty glass.
Have faith, hope, and courage. Recovery is truly possible.
